When you look at me what do you think.

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I don’t normally take photos of strangers and put them on the  internet. I was so tempted today.

I’m at the doctors office. Sinus infection I think. When I looked up from where I was sitting I saw this Lovely lady who I think about 28 – 30. Her birth year I heard as 86 I think you do the math.

Gorgeous skin, sweet voice, pretty face but as you can see morbidly obese like me. She shuffled and huffed and puffed as she checked out if her appointment.

I wanted to just exclaim HONEY ITS NOT TOO LATE LETS DO IT TOGETHER.

But I didn’t. I just watched her waddle away as I felt a tear slide down my face. I’m sure that is what people thought about me and shake their heads when they see me.

….

363 pounds…can I really do this?

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….or should I just say fuck it all and accept my fate that I’m going to die fat.
I’m not in a great place today. I hate food. I hate everything about it. Oh how I wish I didn’t have to eat. People tell me to pray this away. People tell me to write down every single thing I eat and place in my mouth. While others just say that I have to move my body every single day. Eat less than you burn. And I know logically they are all right.
I know this. I know this. I know this.

In the deep recesses of my mind I wonder sometimes if punished because I used to make fun of my sister when I was skinny as a rail she was chunky. As a kid I was just so mean.

Sigh.

So, for today, I hate food.

$35,000 later….

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And I’m still fat. Three years ago? Four? Gosh, maybe 5 years ago I enrolled in Dialetical Behavior Training for compulsive binge over eating. This is cognitive behavioral treatment that was originally developed to treat chronically suicidal individuals diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and it is now recognized as the gold standard psychological treatment for this population.

I am not suicidal nor do I have a borderline personality disorder, however, the folks that created this method of therapy discovered that there was a connection with those who have a Binge Eating Disorder and Mindfulness.  Meaning a lack of mindfulness, and regulation. So I’m going back to the drawing board to do this again. To really try to figure out what’s causing this eating disorder. They tell me that’s important. But I can follow a program however, if I don’t really figure out what’s causing my problem I will just go back and get you back what I have lost. And that truly is the definition of insanity, doing something over and over and over with the same result and nothing changes.

When I look at the 200 and some pounds I am needing to lose to be height and weight appropriate it’s just overwhelming. And then the folks in weight watchers say I should  just focus on losing 10% of your bodyweight. That’s 36.6 pounds. That is even seems like a lot.

So my plan for today is to see my therapist on Tuesday. And then see the nutritionalist who is also a specialist with eating stuff on the 18th. Continue to move my body every day somehow – whether it’s walking, chair yoga, swimming – cleaning house a lot – it doesn’t matter I just need to move.

For instance tonight, about this time at night I get hungry. And then I have to stop and think am I head (emotionally) hungry or am I physically stomach hungry. My stomach growled so I’m physically hungry. I will drink a cup of chamomile tea. I will have a glass of water. And if I’m still physically hungry then my plan is to have 1 ounce of cheese, and 4 ounces of good belly and call it good. That’s what I’m committing to for tonight.

Can you believe that I’m only supposed to weigh one time a month.

ONE TIME? I’m not sure if I can comply with that.

I will be weighing in at the last day of this month, I guess.

I should’ve taken a picture of myself when I started this maybe I will have my kid take a picture of me tomorrow.