I don’t pretend to have all of the answers.

Weight loss is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever attempted to do. There’s nothing pretty about it. There certainly isn’t anything easy about it. And you know what, it’s not even fulfilling. Yes, yes, yes, I get the whole you feel better, look better, and are healthier when your thin. But being thin doesn’t just hit me up my core or somehow uplift my soul.

It’s just one of those things that I can no longer ignore and it’s something I have to do. I can make all the excuses in the world about why am fat but the reality is it’s my responsibility I’m this way. It’s my fork I left to my mouth too much. It’s my bad choices I make. And again, I can whine, cry, and kvetch about unfairness of it all. However, The reality is I eat too much, it’s a fact of life, it’s impacting my health physically and emotionally, and it’s time to stop making excuses and do something about it.

As I’ve read hundreds of blogs, weightless journals, and self help books about weight loss it seems like the easy part is the actual investment of time to get to the goal weight that’s appropriate for your body. The hard part is making it a lifestyle choice and keeping the weight off.

I continue to screw around with my brain and I hear things in my head like:

If I could only lose 50 pounds I would have that much more energy and exercise every day. Well that’s bullshit and I know it. I’ve become sedentary just like most of America – and I’d rather sit on my ass, watch TV, play on my iPad, talk on the phone and get up and go for a walk.

If I had someone to cook for me and just put the food I’m supposed to eat in front of me then everything will fall into place. That’s bullshit too – I know myself and as I drive past any fast food place my car can find a drive-through like a heroin addict can find a fix. A Chef can fix three meals a day but what about the rest of the hours in a day.

I just have to want it enough. Fuck that shit. I want to be thin just as badly as the next fat person I know.

I just continue to hear things like if I had, if I could only, etc. etc.

Bottom line is I’m going to have to deny myself shit I like to eat. Going to have to find a new way of eating. I’m going to have to get up and try to move regardless of how painful it is. And I’m going to have to endure very well-meaning people making all kinds of comments that are not helpful about how I need to go about doing this, not giving up, etc. etc. etc..

Fuck.

The one thing I do know is that this is really overwhelming. Take your number one fear, insecurity, or phobia that makes you just feel incredibly overwhelmed and times that by about 1000 and dunk yourself in it, and that’s how it feels to me when I think about losing weight. I don’t know where to start.

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