I don’t want to be that woman they bury in a piano box

I was sitting in a restaurant with a friend catching up and I watched a morbidly obese older man shuffling towards the door. It was evident that he was in a lot of pain as he made his way to the door. He huffed and he puffed and I worried he was not going to make it.

I don’t want to be him.

I’m participating in a really hard-core way of eating because my blood sugar was out of control and it’s kind of a keto/Paleo way of eating and my carb count every day is under 50 and oh my God it’s hard. But while I’m not seeing a huge victory on the scales my blood sugar is near normal and I will take that first and trust that the weight will come off because I am not deviating.

Something in my brain has switched and I’m just not going to go backwards I just can’t. I don’t want to be remembered in the family as the fat woman who just couldn’t get it together and they buried her in a piano box.

I want to be remembered for being a good person, a wonderful mother and wife a wonderful grandmother sister daughter friend but not that pathetic fat woman who couldn’t get it together and they buried her in a piano box.

I don’t want to die in excruciating pain for scary death. I want to die as an old old woman in my sleep like I’m supposed to knowing that my son and his family are happy and healthy. But I don’t want to be that pathetic fat woman who couldn’t get it together and they buried her in a piano box.

I want to keep all my fingers and toes. I want to keep my eyesight. I want to have a healthy heart and no kidney problems and I want this diabetes to go away. I don’t want cancer. I don’t want anything ugly I just want to be healthy. And most importantly I don’t want to be that woman that big fat woman that they bury in a piano box.

I know what to do, I just have to do it

Okay. I am under the 350 pound mark.

Just barely. But I will take it.

I am insulin-dependent now and they keep telling me that if I continue to lose weight I can discontinue insulin – I’m in suspended judgment.

I know what to do:

Follow a lower carb lifestyle that consists of lean protein, as many fresh vegetables, steamed vegetables that I can handle due to my ostomy. Eat carb friendly fruit in moderation.

Don’t eat more than 20-25 grams of carbs per meal not exceeding 100 g of carbs per day.

Break up with all refined sugars. Period. End of story.

Drink 8 to 10 glasses of water a day.

Meditate, pray, journal.

Exercise every single day.

Keep your appointments with your physicians and keep the communication open.

Practice self-care.

Learn to say no to yourself and others.

Create healthy boundaries.

It’s not about the number Dash it’s about the lifestyle. The weight will come off if you practice and follow the above.

Create new habits.

Have the mindset that you didn’t become morbidly obese overnight. You aren’t going to become height and weight appropriate overnight.

Live each day to its fullest because there are no guarantees.

Goodbye 2018. Hello 2019. And, I wish I could take a shit.

Goodbye 2018. Hello 2019. And I wish I could take a shit.

I’m not going to pretend 2018 was fabulous because it wasn’t. So much stress, strife and anxiety as well as loss.

Many people around me died that didn’t have to die.

One of my closest friends died- I healthy vegetarian, the kindest woman in the world, hit by not only cancer but three kinds of cancer. Not fair, heinous, ridiculous, and none of it made sense. Randomly hit with three kinds of cancer.

My aunt died this year – and even though she was elderly it was a reminder to me that other family members have lost parents, our family is dwindling and getting smaller. The matriarchs of our family are aging, and before I know it it’ll be my turn to be the matriarch of my family and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that.

Another friend has been in the hospital for a very long time with the same kind of bowel issues I had – and I worry for her. I want her to beat this. And I want her to be able to be upright and back on a motorcycle was she belongs. She’s absolutely amazing and doesn’t deserve any of this.

Another friend died at the age of 47 leaving a family behind. Senseless.

The sister of another good friend has been hit with cancer – it just needs to fucking stop.

Another friend said goodbye to my friend on Friday and peacefully passed away. It’s like we are swimming in death.

Family infighting just makes me so sad. It’s easier to forgive then it is to hold a grudge but I don’t think they are getting that.

Two job losses. Back to back. Layoffs and acquisitions – when you’re older it seems like you’re the target💔

Depression, anxiety, and being overwhelmed. Need I say more? Too many of those I love are afflicted with depression, anxiety, being overwhelmed, overstretched, and just not able to take a breath.

We sincerely all need a break and I wish I had a magic wand to cast calmness over all of them.

I just wish my house would sell. That would be one less burden.

The state of our United States abysmal and incredibly scary right now.

Health issues – I’m once again working hard at losing weight, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. The scale doesn’t want to move down. I’ve been hit hard with diabetes right between the eyes, along with three other autoimmune disorders, and already I am ostomy patient. It makes dieting really really hard. Three injections a day of insulin, adjusting the diet, attempting to incorporate exercise, and oral medication – it’s all a lot.

And what I would give to be able to sit on the can, with a book or a magazine, feet firmly planted, and just the ability to take a peaceful shit.

Truly you don’t know what you’re missing until you can’t do it anymore.

Sigh.

No more family issues. No more health issues. May the jobs and benefits to be plentiful. May we be happy and love, prosper, enjoy, and have the most amazing health on the planet. And please allow me to make it through my trialperiod with the state so I can be there 100% firmly planted as a permanent employee with all of the protections that go with that.

Please 2019 be kind us this year. We are all very tired.

I am THISCLOSE to my first goal

I weighed. I am at 351.2 pounds. I am so close to 349 pounds I can taste it.

This is what 351 pounds looks like.

I’m not ready to attach a face to my body. I’m just not ready. Too much shame I think.

I began insulin on Sunday. I felt like I failed. But today is Thursday night – and my sugars are down over 100 points. 357 down to 173. I am about 60 points away from a pretty normal blood sugar. I’ll take it.

My next goal is to lose 5 percent of my body weight. For me that number is 17.76 pounds. So I am working to make it on down to the 330’s – I can do this.

Slow and steady is how it’s got to go for me. No other way.

I ventured into the pool…

I made a commitment to be at the pool three days a week with a personal pool trainer. I am terrified about getting into the water again with this fucking goddamn bag. And I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad because it’s now a part of me but I can’t control my output, or anything about my output and I’m terrified about a leak. The medications I take don’t help with keeping my output stable as I never know what the consistency is going to look like or be like.

However, I did it. 68 minutes I did it – walking in the shallow end weaving and dodging through a large Boy Scout troop.

I was just so absolutely exhausted when I got home. But I did it. I fucking did it.