Universe cut me a break…

Even though I realize I did this to myself.

I’m in this vicious cycle.

Morbidly obese.

Joints, body, bones, hurt all.the.time.

Exhausted.

Blood sugar levels suck.

Colostomy due to diverticulitis.

No motivation/fear/shame of exercise.

Even though I realize I did this to myself.

My food choices are super limited. No raw fruits or vegetables. They get stuck.

The foods that digest the best are high in carbs and cause my blood sugar to sky rocket.

So let me run down my list.

No more dairy.

No more sugar.

No more refined white flour.

No more alcohol.

Low glycemic/carbs.

No more fresh/raw fruits and vegetables.

No nuts or seeds.

No more chocolate.

No caffeine.

What else is there to break up with?

sad. frustrated. mad.

I don’t pretend to have all of the answers.

Weight loss is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever attempted to do. There’s nothing pretty about it. There certainly isn’t anything easy about it. And you know what, it’s not even fulfilling. Yes, yes, yes, I get the whole you feel better, look better, and are healthier when your thin. But being thin doesn’t just hit me up my core or somehow uplift my soul.

It’s just one of those things that I can no longer ignore and it’s something I have to do. I can make all the excuses in the world about why am fat but the reality is it’s my responsibility I’m this way. It’s my fork I left to my mouth too much. It’s my bad choices I make. And again, I can whine, cry, and kvetch about unfairness of it all. However, The reality is I eat too much, it’s a fact of life, it’s impacting my health physically and emotionally, and it’s time to stop making excuses and do something about it.

As I’ve read hundreds of blogs, weightless journals, and self help books about weight loss it seems like the easy part is the actual investment of time to get to the goal weight that’s appropriate for your body. The hard part is making it a lifestyle choice and keeping the weight off.

I continue to screw around with my brain and I hear things in my head like:

If I could only lose 50 pounds I would have that much more energy and exercise every day. Well that’s bullshit and I know it. I’ve become sedentary just like most of America – and I’d rather sit on my ass, watch TV, play on my iPad, talk on the phone and get up and go for a walk.

If I had someone to cook for me and just put the food I’m supposed to eat in front of me then everything will fall into place. That’s bullshit too – I know myself and as I drive past any fast food place my car can find a drive-through like a heroin addict can find a fix. A Chef can fix three meals a day but what about the rest of the hours in a day.

I just have to want it enough. Fuck that shit. I want to be thin just as badly as the next fat person I know.

I just continue to hear things like if I had, if I could only, etc. etc.

Bottom line is I’m going to have to deny myself shit I like to eat. Going to have to find a new way of eating. I’m going to have to get up and try to move regardless of how painful it is. And I’m going to have to endure very well-meaning people making all kinds of comments that are not helpful about how I need to go about doing this, not giving up, etc. etc. etc..

Fuck.

The one thing I do know is that this is really overwhelming. Take your number one fear, insecurity, or phobia that makes you just feel incredibly overwhelmed and times that by about 1000 and dunk yourself in it, and that’s how it feels to me when I think about losing weight. I don’t know where to start.

I want…

We all have wants, desires, dreams, goals…

  • Walk. I want the ability to walk my ass all over any place anywhere without pain, limping, hobbling, or fear of falling over.

  • To stand in line for an hour if I have to without burning, pain, or cramping anywhere.

  • To sit in a movie seat comfortably.

  • To sit in the backseat of anyone car and use the seat belt without fear of it not buckling

  • To fit comfortably in any plane seat and not use an extender belt.

  • To use the tray table on a plane.

  • To fit into a booth at a restaurant.

  • To exercise comfortably at the gym.

  • The ability to go from sitting to standing without pain.

  • The ability to stand and cook in the kitchen, blow dry my hair, etc..

  • To ride in a car, garden, perform housework, have energy…

To do all of of those things everyone else seems to be able to do that I can’t.

That’s what I want.

This is overwhelming.

My message from the universe today

I get these very cool messages from the universe- and this is the one I got today and damn I really needed it.

There will always be people in your life, who hold you back, who cost you too much, and who fail to see all you’ve done for them. But, of course, they’re just there to teach you that you do have time, that you’ll always be rich, and that your own high standards are all that matter.

You knew that,

The Universe

When you look at me what do you think.

I don’t normally take photos of strangers and put them on the  internet. I was so tempted today.

I’m at the doctors office. Sinus infection I think. When I looked up from where I was sitting I saw this Lovely lady who I think about 28 – 30. Her birth year I heard as 86 I think you do the math.

Gorgeous skin, sweet voice, pretty face but as you can see morbidly obese like me. She shuffled and huffed and puffed as she checked out if her appointment.

I wanted to just exclaim HONEY ITS NOT TOO LATE LETS DO IT TOGETHER.

But I didn’t. I just watched her waddle away as I felt a tear slide down my face. I’m sure that is what people thought about me and shake their heads when they see me.

….

363 pounds…can I really do this?


….or should I just say fuck it all and accept my fate that I’m going to die fat.
I’m not in a great place today. I hate food. I hate everything about it. Oh how I wish I didn’t have to eat. People tell me to pray this away. People tell me to write down every single thing I eat and place in my mouth. While others just say that I have to move my body every single day. Eat less than you burn. And I know logically they are all right.
I know this. I know this. I know this.

In the deep recesses of my mind I wonder sometimes if punished because I used to make fun of my sister when I was skinny as a rail she was chunky. As a kid I was just so mean.

Sigh.

So, for today, I hate food.